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Women will be women

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ?”

God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
& have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color

Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked,

“You said I had another 34 years to live.
Why didn’t you save me from the truck?”

(You’ll love this)

God replied:

“I couldn’t recognize you!”

If you are Happy, Read this

In a school in Punjab, everyone was singing, “If you’re Happy and you know it, clap your hands” …

Only 3 students clapped their hands….

The rest of them were Sunny, Lucky, Pinky, Bittu, Sonu, Bunny, Guddu, Sweetie, Honey …!!!

Wrong English Sentences People use

Terrible English:

1) There is no wind in the football..
2) I talk, he talk, why you middle talk?.
3) You rotate the ground 4 times..
4) You go and understand the tree.
5) I’ll give you clap on ur cheeks..
6) Bring your parents and your mother and especially your father.
7) Close the window airforce is coming.
8) I have two daughters and both are girls..
9) Stand in a straight circle..
10) Don’t stand in front of my back
11) Why Haircut not cut..?
12) Don’t make noise.. principle is rotating in the corridor
13) Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window when I’m here?
14) You talking bad habit
15) Give me a red pen of any colour.
16) Can i have some snow in my cold drink?
17) Pick the paper and fall into the dustbin.
18) Both of u stand together separately.
19) Keep quiet the principal just passed away!!

Drunk Husband Joke in English

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

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He smashed the first bottle swearing,
“you are the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the second bottle,
“you are the reason I don’t love my children”.

He smashed the third bottle,
“you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.
He hesitated for only a moment and said
“you stand aside, I know you were not involved”


Credit Card Call Joke in English

Call from a bank….

“Hello Mrs Khanna Mam”.
We are offering you credit card with best deals!!!.
1. No annual charges
2. No interest on balance for three months
3. Big credit limit
4. No penalties for over spending.

Smart reply by the lady..
” No thanks “.
I have a husband…
1. With lifetime zero fee
2. No spending limit
3. No penalties and most importantly
4. No repayment forever.

Line cut without a word!!

Funny Diwali Joke – Phatakha

Instead of burning a phataka ,,,
Date a phataka…!!!

Have an eco-friendly diwali..

Applicable to bachelors only!

Coz married people already living with nuclear Bomb.

Nike was founded by Men

Nike was founded by Men,
SO its tagline says..
“Just Do It”

If Nike had been founded by a woman,
its tagline would have been:

“Just do it.. if you want to… I don’t want to force you..
it’s your life, anyway you don’t listen to me…Do what you
want to do… Who am I to say anything… But it has to
happen, and you have to do it!!”

? ?

Friends Rock – Funny English Story

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives, and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s bat and ball there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

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At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s bat and ball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”

Friends rock! heaven or hell

चाँदनी चौक का नज़ारा ना होता, India Gate का
सितारा ना होता, आज कल की लड़किया fashion
ना करती, तो हर गली का लड़का आवारा ना होता…!!! ? ?

मिर्ज़ा ग़ालिब: –
हमें तो अपनों ने लूटा, गैरो में कहाँ दम था
अपनी कश्ती वहां डूबी, जहां पानी कम था…!!!
ग़ालिब की पत्नी: –
तुम तो थे ही गधे, तुम्हारे भेजे में कहाँ दम था
वहां कश्ती लेकर गए ही क्यों, जहाँ पानी कम था…!!! ?

अर्ज़ किया है…!!!
बेइज़्ज़ती और बीवी अजीब चीज़ होती हैं….!!!
गौर फरमाइयेगा, बेइज़्ज़ती और बीवी अजीब
चीज़ होती हैं…!!!
अच्छी तभी लगती हैं जब दूसरे की होती है….!!! ?

हर फूली हुई रोटी कच्ची नही होती, हर आँसू बहाने
वाली सच्ची नही होती, इन लड़कियो से बचकर रहना
ए दोस्त, हर स्कूल जाने वाली लड़की बच्ची नही होती…!!!

Boyfriend requested to god: – Hazaro ki kismat tere
hath Hain, Ager pass karde to kya baat hain,
God: – Girlfriends thodi kam patata to kya baat thi,
Kitaabe to saari tere pass thi…. ? ?

She Proposed Me But I Was Rude.
She Proposed Me But I Was Rude…!!!
Being Single Is My attitude…!!! ?

रब्बा दुःख न देना मेरे दोस्त को, चाहे मुझे सुखो का पहाड़ देदे,
नयी साइकिल पर घूमे दोस्त मेरा, मुझे भले ही पुरानी BMW
कार देदे…!!! ?

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गालिब फरमाते हैं:-
चली जाती हैं आए दिन वो ब्यूटी पार्लर में यूं,
उनका मकसद है मिसाले-हूर हो जाना,
मगर ये बात किसी बेग़म की समझ में क्यूं नहीं आती,
कि मुमकिन ही नहीं किशमिश का फिर से अंगूर हो जाना…. ?


बेझिझक मुस्कुराये जो
भी गम है,
जिंदगी में टेंशन
किसको कम है,
अच्छा या बुरा तो
केवल भ्रम है,
जिंदगी का नाम ही
कभी ख़ुशी कभी गम है। ?

Tumko dekha to khayaal aaya,
Tumko dekha to khayaal aaya,
Tumko dekha to khayaal aaya,
Paglon ke stock mein naya maal aaya. ?

कौन ‘कमबख्त’ कहता है,
लड़के सोचते कम हैं…
लड़की एक बार मुस्करा
कर तो देखे!
शेरवानी के रंग से लेकर बच्चों
तक के नाम सोच लेते
हैं। ?

शहर का लडका गाव की
लडकी पटाता है
लडका: तुमको Whatsapp चलाना
आता है???
लडकी: नहीं, पर तुम चलाना
में पीछे बैठ जाउंगी ?

Dhadkan Dil Ki Ruk
Jati Hai,
Sanse Aksar Tham
Jati Hai,
Bahut Buri Halat
Hoti Hai Yaaro,
Jab GF Se Shaadi Karne Ki
Naubat Aati Hai!!! ?

Hume tumse Love
Please refuse na
Ye zero watt ka hope
bulb hai..
Please ise fuse na
karna!!! ? ?

Tumhari yaad dil se jaane
nahi denge,
Tumhare jaisa dost khone
bhi nahi denge,
Roz sharafat se sms kiya
karo warna,
Ek kaan k neeche denge
or rone bhi nahi denge.

Itna khubsurat kaise
muskura lete ho,
Itna qatil kaise
sharma lete ho,
Kitni aasani se
jaan le lete ho,
Kisi ne sikhaya hai tumhe…
ya bachpan se hi kamine ho???


Umar ki raah mein JAZBAAT
badal jate hai,
Waqt ki AAndhi me HALLAT
badal jaate hai,
Sochta hoon kaam kar kar ke
Record tod dun,
Lekin kambhakt salary dekhte he
KHAYAAL badal jaate hai ?


जभी मिलती है inbox पे कुछ कहने से डरती है वो..
कब आउंगा में online इस इंतज़ार में रहती है वो..
बड़ी ही सरीफ है बात बात पे शर्माती है वो…
गुस्सा न हो जाऊं कहीं हर बात पे sorry बोलती है वो…
मेरे लिऐ आज भी थोड़ा सा वक्त खर्च करती है वो …
google पर आकर आज भी मुझे सर्च करती है वो..

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